POLICE ON ALERT FOR "GIANT MARSHMALLOW MAN"

Columbus, OH
October 31, 2005

Police have closed down every major intersection in the greater Columbus area in anticipation of the "Giant Marshmallow Man". Captain Bill Brazky got the call at 8:05am this morning detailing the threat.

"Well the caller was very cryptic but we deemed this to be an authentic threat," said Brasky. "At about 8:05 a young male called in and said 'I tried to think of nothing, but the image of marshmallows kept entering my head. It's all my fault, I am so sorry. The giant marshmallow man is coming for Columbus, cancel all the schools, I repeat, cancel all the schools. If you don't the children will be eaten by the giant marshmallow man'. We are not sure what the first part means, but if this ends up saving just one child, that boy will be known as a hero."

Reporters couldn't help but point out the similarities to this threat and the similar occurrence in the popular movie Ghostbusters. Furthermore the insistence that school be cancelled might be evidence of a prank in effort to not have to go to class. Police commissioner John Markus has other thoughts.

"I have never seen Ghostbusters, it goes against my religion," Markus stated. "I will not be forced to watch a PG movie dealing with demonic themes regardless of how close it supposedly is to a case. And to assume that this is a prank is exactly what our enemies want us to do. They want to catch us off guard, and as soon as they do, they strike. Our fine men and women of the Columbus police will stay out on the streets until this threat is deemed over."

The roadblocks and police presence has crippled all of the area businesses already stinging from last week's hurricane evacuation drill.

"I can't afford many more days like this," says local business owner Patty Boombulatie. "If we keep on shutting down the city for these threats, we are all going to go bankrupt. If that happens, I'm afraid that the terrorists will win. I say we move forward and keep everything open, show them we're not afraid of their marshmallow men, hurricane, or killer bees. That's what makes Columbus the best city in the world, its can-do attitude in face of terrorism.

Columbus will remain shut down until further orders come from the Mayor's office. A curfew has been also set for 4pm which will effectively cancel Halloween.

FIRED FREELANCER STEWS BOSS

October 28, 2005
Barstow, Ca

A former news writer for the Barstow Gazette has been accused of the murder and stewing of his former boss, Bill Reilly. George Len, a freelance writer by day and culinary cannibal by night, who worked for the Gazette since June 2005, was fired from his gig with the paper earlier this week. Yesterday, he returned to his former place of employment with a 15-gallon tub of soup... Boss Soup.

The frustrated 38-year-old writer allegedly stabbed his boss with a bowie knife, a big fat deadly hunk of steel popularized in the 1950's by singer Frankie Laine, and then proceeded to chop the 213 lb. Irishman into bite sized bits and cooked him up with some onions, celery, carrots, a few potatoes, 9 leeks, 1-16 ounce box of Ronzoni pastina, 1/2 cup salt, 1/2 cup pepper, oregano, 8 ounces of tomato paste and 2 bay leaves.

The disgruntled employee then attempted to serve his boss to his former co-workers. Luckily only 6 employees finished their Boss Soup before the cannibal crock was found out.
Before being subdued by 17 tranquilizer gun bullets, the wild-eyed killer shouted at the astonished onlookers in a Max Schumacherish tirade, "Hey, remember how he'd always say, 'Eat Me'?... well...

"Look, I just wanted to tell the truth. The truth that nobody has the balls to talk about. The truth that needs to be heard so our country can feel whole again. Journalistic integrity is not something you earn, it is something you are born with. It is my duty to use my supernatural talents in a way that shines a small flicker of light on the stories that get swept under the rug. Stories about Trans Am’s, Burt Reynolds, Eddie Money, and yes, stories about Bigfoot. I tell their stories," the Anarchististic psychopath concluded.

George's article, Len's Lens, had a readership of 68 in the desert town. The writer will be hanged at sundown...by his hair.

YAHOO! HEADQUARTERS CANCELS EMPLOYEE HALLOWEEN PARADE

Santa Monica, CA
October 28, 2005

The managers at the Yahoo! headquarters thought it would be a great idea if they let their employees come to work dressed up in honor of Halloween. Not only that, but they would have a little parade and give an award to the best dressed in effort to get more people to participate. Unfortunately, that parade had to be called off this afternoon due to too many Star Wars costumes.

"This has the be the geekiest thing I have ever seen before in my life," says Yahoo security guard Rusty Rodriguez. "About 9am it was just a steady flow of Darth Mauls, Emperors, and Darth Vaders. There is not one single person here that is not dressed up as one of those guys. I mean, it's no wonder none of them have girlfriends."

The cancellation of the parade has irked quite a few regardless of the seeming redundancy of having 433 Darth Mauls walk down the hallway.

"I think its absolutely abhorrent that they are singling us out like this," said Chian Lee in programming. "Today I get to show my co-workers not only my amazing Darth Maul wardrobe, but my killer light saber skills. They don't realize the show I was going to put on. It was going to put the Sarlac Pit battle of Alderon to shame. "

The management stands by their decision on the grounds of good taste.

"Look, this is just the worst possible situation imaginable," said one anonymous Yahoo topper. "I just can't believe there are this many people in Star Wars costumes. Do you realize that there are probably 1000 people here dressed up as one of 3 characters. I just, I feel so....., I think that if we let this happen, there is a very good chance none of these guys will ever get laid. Its really just that bad. We can't reward this, it just really sends the wrong message."

Regardless, some of the employees are planning on getting together after work in the parking lot to hold their own contest. The grand prize winner will win the Matrix Trilogy on DVD and a case of Mountain Dew.

NORTH DAKOTA SOLD TO CANADA

Fargo, North Dakota
October 28, 2005

North Dakota citizens will have to file a change of address form with the local mounted police because as of tommorow, they will be Canadians.

"What the f**k!?" Asked one Fargo citizen. "This is some sort of joke, right? I can't believe they did this to us. Those son of bitches in Washington have gone to far this time. What am I supposed to do now? Canada doesn't pay welfare as far as I know. I guess I will just curl up here and die!"

North Dakotans, long known for their overwhelming sense of being martyrs, will now have to learn a whole new national anthem and learn how to say abooot. It seems the federal government, forced with record deficits along with the increasing cost of the Iraq war, was in a tight spot when they couldn't afford their latest mortgage payment.

"Well, its kind of like the board game Monopoly," said Hank Frotherten of the Bureau of Accounting for the United States government. "Sometimes you are faced with bills that you need to pay and all of your properties are mortaged. The only thing you can do is sell a piece of property you need the least and hope that covers the bills. The trick is finding that sucker who will by your piece of crap land. In this situation, Canada was that sucker."

Canada now is the proud owner of a bunch of scrub land that most of us never new existed let alone planned on visiting. Americans where overwhelmingly underwhelmed by the news.

"There's a North Dakota?" asked 9th grade geography teacher Mrs. Janice Holden. "I'm pretty sure its just Dakota, right? Seriously, there can't be a North and a South, can there?"

"Are you sure North Dakota isn't already part of Canada," asked one White House official. "I am pretty sure it already is, you might want to get your facts straight on this one. "

We did get our facts straight and now America is 49 states strong. There are no new plans to take a star off the flag due to the likelihood of Iraq officially becoming a part of our union in the coming months.

SPONTANEOUS PREGNANCY BLAMED ON TRANS AM

Evansville, Indiana
October 26

Carly Raglin's parents think she has some explaining to do. Their loving daughter, lead soprano in the church choir, volunteer at the homeless shelter, and straight A student is pregnant. However, Carly claims she is still a virgin and is saving herself for marriage. The only explanation, she claims, is she got knocked up by Troy Williams' Trans Am.

"That thing is a beast," says Carly. "It the most manly thing ever put on Earth, just looking at it makes me feel all funny. When I first met Troy he was kind of a geeky kid who really liked Star Wars movies and playing on the computer. Then his uncle gave him that Trans Am and everything about him changed. He grew a moustache and started drinking Schlitz before school. One day he invited me to come in and take a look at the car. I sat down on that black vinyl seat and I felt a surge go through my body. I know that's the moment my baby was conceived."

Carly, seen here, is now 5 months pregnant and not sure what she is going to do with the baby after its born.

"I have considered giving it up for adoption, but I don't know, it's kind of a miracle baby, kind of like the 'second coming'. I think I was meant to be Pon's mom."

"Pon" short for Pontiac is due December 22 and the doctors are already getting prepared for the birth.

"When Carly came in here with that story we were just certain that she was full of it," explains Dr. Joseph Schondenheimerton. "Look, she comes from a real religious family and it makes complete sense that she would try to lie about this thing. But then we got the results of the sonogram back and, well....there can be no other explanation. I will stake my reputation on the fact that Pon's daddy is that Trans Am."

The sonogram, seen here, is undeniable proof to most doctors that they are dealing with the worlds first Trans Am conception. Doctors are currently debating whether to move Carly and the unborn Pon to a hospital in Detroit in hopes that those surrounding will be more comfortable for him. Regardless, Burt Reynolds has volunteered to be on hand during the birth and will be the first person Pon sees when he enters the world.

"When we saw the moustache on the sonogram we just knew we had to get Mr. Reynolds. We explained the situation to him and showed him the picture of Pon. Well, I am not sure if Burt would like me to say this publicly, but, well Burt wept. He cried for at least half an hour when he saw the picture. It was like he was looking at his own son. It was really touching. "

The Independent News has signed and exclusive deal with Carly and we will be the first to publish photos of Pon after his birth.

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER EARTH'S ANUS

Yuma, Mexico
October 25, 2005

American scientists Dr. Stan Jarvis and Dr. Karl Mingus have finally found our planet's butthole.

"We knew it was around here somewhere," said Dr. Jarvis. "It was really only a matter of time before we found it. All of our calculations were pointing to Earth's poo-hole being either in Detroit or in Mexico somewhere. I guess we should have known it would be 'south of the border', I mean you can seriously smell it from 200 miles away."

That distinctive "Mexico smell" turns out not to be the scent of poverty and churros, it seems the locals can actually blame that stench on the planets digestion. The locals are seeing this discovery as a mixed blessing.

"Yeah, its great to be able to tell people that its really not our fault that this place smells like crap," says a local chocolate-town resident. "But, its hard to take pride in an ass-town. Its really not going to be a huge tourist destination now, except for maybe some weirdo fetish freaks."

Regardless, the discovery is very exciting for scientists who can't wait to probe the very depths of Earth's colon.

"Who knows what we will find," said Dr. Jarvis. "There could be anything down there. Maybe we will find a lost civilization of dung-dwellers or maybe a new species based on corn. This is the dawn of discovery and I can barely contain myself. I can't wait to dig in and see what we find."

The Independent News is sending down celebrity correspondant, Richard Simmons to further cover this butt story. Simmons says he was born for the job, whatever that means, so we will keep you posted as developments arise from Earth's anus.

LOCAL HOME INFESTED WITH SMURFS

Nashville, TN
October 25, 2005

Mike Snell is faced with demolishing his 2500 square foot home in the exclusive Emerald Cove subdivision because of the worst Smurf infestation anybody has ever seen. Many Gen X'rs grew up watching these seemingly harmless creatures as they lived in a seeming utopia. Except for the menacing Gargamel, all always seemed well with the peaceful Smurf. According to Snell, those shows got it all wrong.

"Smurfs are from the devil," says the frustrated homeowner. "They looks so nice and maybe even fun, right? I tell you what, there is nothing good about Smurfs. Once you have a couple in your house, forget about it. They hump like rabbits and spit out baby smurfs by the dozens. They tear up all the furniture trying to build those stupid mushroom houses. They are a menace. And worst of all, you can't get rid of them."

According to all of the exterminators we called, none were qualified to handle a Smurf infestation. Most said even if they were, it was something that weren't comfortable with doing since they grew up watching them on tv. This leaves Snell with taking matters into his own hands.

"I couldn't kill them at first, but now its just like stepping on cockroaches. Problem is that they have grown wise to me and are starting to rebel. Those little bastards are pretty smart, they have been trying to poison me for at least a week. Every morning I wake up there are some chemicals on my toothbrush or in my cereal. If I don't do something soon, they are going to kill me."

So Snell has been left with the only one option: burn down the house and kill the Smurfs along with it.

"I can't think of anything else to do except burn them all. Oh, I will be out there with my marshmallows, believe you me. There will never be a better sight in my life than watching those sons a bitches burn."

Snell plans on burning down his house this Saturday night. Members of PETA have already announced they will be there to protest the killings.

ELVIS SPOTTED AT TOM DELAY FUND RAISER

Waco, TX
October 24, 2005

Elvis Presley has come out after 30 years in hiding to support embattled politician Tom DeLay.

"Look here," said the formely svelt King, "ol' Tom is a good guy and good friend. There are few people out there that keep up with 'The King', but Tommy is one of them. You think you can go through a lot of hookers and blow in one night, then you meet 'Hot Tub Tom' and he puts you to shame. Its terrible what the prissy lil Demo-rats are doing to him. I just couldn't stand for it, so I came out now to let the world know that yes I am alive and God bless Tom DeLay."

DeLay was once known for his partying ways and his late-night escapades earned him the nickname "Hot Tub Tom". It is of no suprise that Elvis and him go way back. Both enjoy shooting guns for no reason and both have a penchant for greasy hair products.

"Oh sure, Tom and him go waaaayyy back," admitted one aide. "We have known Elvis was alive for a long time. He holed himself up here in Texas and has a close group of friends who hang out and eat and drink together. I have never been to one of the parties, but I hear they get a little out of hand. But what are you going to do? It's Elvis."

The rest of the world is still getting used to the fact that Elvis is still here.

"It was shocking at first," says Bill Drum who was working the Tom DeLay fundraiser as a bartender, "then ultimately it was just sad. This is not the young, hip-shaking elvis of the 50's. This is the bloated, disgusting, mess of an old rock star who should have died of a drug overdose years ago. Yet here is, coming out to support Tom DeLay of all people. It's pretty sad. I mean, look at that cameltoe, god, I think I'm gonna go throw up."

Elvis is currently planning a comeback album of duets with Tom DeLay that is due out in time for Christmas. All proceeds will go to the National Rifle Association.

BED WINS HUMPING TITLE

October 21, 2005
Butte, Montana

An Old Oakland oak furniture bed from the little town of Deer Lodge won the humping title for the second year in a row at the "2005 Best Banging Bed Competition" in Butte, Montana.

The annual event awards beds for their performance in 3 categories:

1) Depth: this is the ratio of bounciness to firmness a user would encounter.

2) Headboard action: this is determined by the texture and tone the bed's headboard provides when the user's head bangs against it for 20 minutes or longer.

3) Flexibility: this is a free-style category to determine how the bed handles the highest variety of positions.

The Old Oakland furniture bed is made using traditional methods, hand finished with carvings in traditional designs that all help create one great hump.

"It (Old Oakland furniture bed) really gives you the most hump out of any of the bed's in the competition," said one of the judges. "You can lay pipe all day and know that you've got a solid framework to do your dirty work."

The runner-up this year was a high-end futon. No waterbeds were to be seen in the finals.

"I'M STRAIGHT"

SOFTBALL COACH SHOCKS LEAGUE WITH ANNOUNCEMENT

Little Rock, AR
October 21, 2005

University of Little Rock softball coach, Becky Shapiro, shocked the nation yesterday when she came out of the closet and admitted that she was a straight softball coach. The announcement will surely go down in history as one of the most shocking ever made in the world of female sports.

"It was time for me to come out and admit it," Becky states. "I just think that I should be free to date men and not be judged by it. That's just who I am, I was born this way. If I could switch, believe me I would, but I can't deny my natural urges."

Shapiro's announcement shocked the nation and caused quite a stir within the softball coaching community.

"I suggest she either switch or quit," says Seattle University softball coach Marge Holden seen here. "There's just no place in the high-stakes world of softball for a straight woman. There's just too many high-qualified lesbians out there that would love that job. If she doesn't want to fit in she should step aside and let a 'team-player' take the job. We have fought to hard to allow these people to start taking over our locker room offices."

Shapiro hopes her announcement will not overshadow the team's efforts which is due to play its first game on Saturday. If she is still the coach, it will be the first time in history that a college softball team will be coached by a straight woman.

GOD IN REHAB ON NEPTUNE

October 21, 2005
Santa Monica, CA

Have you been wondering about God's silence? We'll that's because the popular icon is GONE according a suntanned spokesman located at various domiciles in Santa Monica, California. Apparently the Creator is vacationing on Neptune to take a breather, in rehab for exhaustion.

"He's simply fucking tired of this petty thing he created that just complains," said the slender man. "Trust me, he was never a good listener to begin with, then he creates this experiment that just fucking jabbers and whines at him all the fucking time. He's fucking sick of it."

After an awkward silence and some self-grooming, the grizzled spokesperson (it became harder to determine gender the longer we spoke) added, "Look he's just ready to move on to other projects. He's getting older and wants to try some new things. He was always one to hang on to a lost cause too long, but I think his hiatus has helped bring some clarity. I'm not saying he'll never tour again; it's just time to let go for a while."

The Independent News was unable to reach God for comment. However, there are rumors of paparazzi photos of Him with Charlize Theron on the sandy beaches of Neptune.

CELEBRITY RETARD TO GET FIRST BRAIN TRANSPLANT

Beverly Hills, CA
October 20, 2005

The parents of Paris Hilton announced today that their mentally retarded daughter is going to get the first "brain transplant".

"Its a lifelong dream come true," says her mother. "She's always been a happy retard, its just that, well, she's kind of an embarrassing retard. Hopefully the new brain will help her make better decisions."

Dr. Joseph Shwartz at the UCLA Medical Center will be the chief surgeon for the procedure.

"I never dreamed that this would be possible," he said. "I have been in medicine for 47 years and I never would have thought that we would come this far. Look at that poor girl. She's such a pitiful retard, it just breaks my heart to see it. I know now that God put me on this earth for a reason, and its to give Paris Hilton a real brain."

The surgery will be 6 hours long and is one of the riskiest ones ever performed. The chance of survival is 50-50 and there is no guarantee that the new brain will work. Regardless, the Hiltons say that they will play those odds and leave it in God's hands.

"I just know that this is for the best," her mother continued. "If something terrible happens on that operating table, I know I can live with myself because we tried to make her better. We tried, dammit, we tried."

The surgery is being paid for by her popular "One Night in Paris" video. No word yet if Fox will be televising the surgery.

LOCAL GIRL GOING TO BE A COWGIRL FOR HALLOWEEN.....AGAIN!

Midland, TX
October 19, 2005

For the fourth year in a row, Katie Adler is going to be begging for candy in a cowgirl costume and her neighbors have had just about enough of it.

"Cowgirls are always cute, don't get me wrong." Said Brenda Bretherton. "But to wear the same outfit every year, well, its kind of phoning it in, isn't it? She should wear a princess outfit or maybe this year she can be the horse. Anything but a damn cowgirl again. Henry and I haven't decided if we are going to give her any candy when she comes by."

Bretherton isn't the only person upset in this usually calm subdivision.

"She's going to be lucky if she gets anything from my candy jar," said one anonymous neighbor. "Look here. That little prissy thinks that she can get some sweets from me without trying, she's got another thing coming. I'm not going to stand for somebody who is so boring she wears the same crap every year."

We spoke with a prominent psychologist about this local problem and he agrees that the best measure is to not reward the little girl.

"Well, she's obviously a very lazy, unimaginative girl who can't think of anything but being a cowgirl. This kind of behavior is best changed by a system of punishment and rewards. The neighbors should simply tell the girl that she will not be getting any candy until she decides to play by the rules and put on another costume. After the 15th or 16th house, I think she will get the point and through her sobs will be born a better person."

Hopefully the fine folks of Midland will take his advice.

"MADONNA MADE ME GAY"

Cleveland, OH
October 19, 2005

Jerome Watkins was your typical construction worker. He worked all day sweating it out by tearing down walls and putting up buildings. At night he drank 12 packs of Schlitz, drunk dialed women, and watched porn. All that changed when he heard Madonna for the first time in August.

"I still remember the day it happened. It was a nice sunny morning and I was throwing up in the parking lot outside of my apartment complex. Well, I reached in the car to turn on a little AC/DC and I hit the wrong button and out came 'Like A Virgin'. I was confused at first but next thing you know my toes were tapping. It was exactly how I felt after I heard Ted Nugent for the first time. But instead of wanting to go out and kill deer, I wanted to go to the mall and buy some new shoes."

Watkins left the station on all the way to work and on the way home he bought the Madonna Greatest Hits cd. He drove around all night listening to it since he doesn't have a cd player in his house. About 1:00am he stumbled into an area he had never been to.

"I was driving down the road and all I can hear is Madonna. I turn my stereo down and start looking around and wouldn't you know it, the sweet sounds are pouring out of every club. Well, I just had to pull over to listen."

Watkins then inadvertently went "clubbing". Bouncing from dancehall to dancehall in the gay district of town swimming in the sounds of Madonna. He danced at "The Manhole", he met his new friend Lance at "Hot Dogz", and had his first gay experience with him at "The Closet". By morning Jerome was a completely different person.

"I'm happier now, I think. Maybe its just a phase, but this is really what I feel like I need to do. Madonna will never know how grateful I am for turning me gay."

OLD BITTY SUCKS OUT BRAIN

October 19, 2005
Thousand Oaks, CA

Phyllis Diamond was simply sick of the ugly thoughts her mind would concoct, so one day she decided to do something about it. The 58-year-old inventor began work on a design for a machine that can suck out your brain. After much trial and error the moody bitty from Thousand Oaks, California found that she was on to something.

The device is simply a really high-powered vacuum that can render your brain completely dysfunctional.

"I knew that with hard work and a little ingenuity I could come up with something powerful and effective, " the grandmother of 4 would probably say if she wasn't rendered a retard by her own invention.

The Brain Sucker 2000 will be available this holiday season at True Value Hardware outlets and Brookestone.

SPECIAL EDITORIAL:
"SAFETY" UNDER CENSORSHIP SCRUTINY

October 17, 2005
Salt Lake City, UT

The censorship of music artists and proliferation of family friendly paranoia has a long legacy in this country.

In 1963, The FBI began collecting data on folk singer Phil Ochs. Ochs is one of several popular musicians to be tracked by the FBI during their careers (Bob Dylan, Jim Morrison, Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie).

In 1967, radio programmers passed on Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" because the lyrics reference premarital sex and teenage pregnancy. Morrison cuts an alternative version with more acceptable lyrics.

In 1984, critics call for boycotts of Bruce Springsteen's Born In The U.S.A. after it is widely rumored that the cover depicts "the Boss" urinating on an American Flag.

Now, a song from more than 20 years ago is under attack by the Salt Lake City Parental Advisory Against Free Expression Board. "The Safety Dance," which became a major hit for the goofy, sub-par Canadian group Men Without Hats, is being held to fire. The anthem, which peaked on the American charts at number three in 1983, has been labeled by the SLCPAAFRB as "Persnickety."

A spokesman for the quasi-nazi Board remarked, "Not only is the song persnickety, have you seen the video? It's downright prancey!"

The spokesman recites the lyrics in a mocking tone:
"We can dance if we want to,
we can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine "

"They are a fertile field primed to cultivate nancy-boy-ed-ness in our youth," the spokesman added.

Persnickety means having the characteristics of a snob, an ironic twist. Whose the snob now one must wonder.

Persnickety or not, "The Safety Dance" continues to suck and torture anyone who gets the song stuck in their head well after the song's initial heyday.

CO-WORKERS DEBATE WHAT DRUG SHEILA WAS ON

Los Angeles, CA
October 17, 2005

There was no doubt amongst the staffers at King For a Day Advertising that something was wrong with Sheila. From the minute the creative meeting started she acted in a way most had not seen since Courtney Love had come over to pitch a commercial idea.

"Sheila was really out there," mused Stephanie Jenkins. "Throughout the meeting she kept swaying back and forth and giggling. About halfway through I looked over and she was going through hair like she was looking for lice. She must have done that for 30 minutes. It was really disturbing."

Although scary for some, others have turned it into a game by placing wagers on what caused Sheila to be so aloof.

"I think that she took a sleeping pill on accident," Mike Henry figures. "She's not the type of girl to do drugs, let alone at work. I bet she had a headache this morning and took a pill not noticing it was an Ambien or something."

Bradley Turkin from accounting thinks Sheila is really into the hard stuff.

"I think she's hopped up on ludes, man," he claimed. "Dude, I know my drugs and she was too happy to be on sleeping pills. I think she's really a closet Janis Joplin."

Regardless, an office pool has sprung up with everyone getting involved. Right now the correct answer will net the lucky guesser $23.47 from the pot that Jennifer Jarvis has set up.

"I was in the meeting with her and I can't quite figure whats wrong. She was just a mess, blurting out weird stuff all the time and then telling stories for what seemed like hours about stuff that didn't make any sense. The least I can do to try and get those 3 hours of my life back is to win the office pool. If I didn't set it up, somebody else would have." She said.

Nobody is quite sure how the winner will be determined. Besides asking Sheila to pee in a cup and taking it down to the police station, there really isn't anyway to know what she was on. However, there is hope that she will offer somebody else what she's on and the winner of the great "What the hell is wrong with Sheila" office pool will be announced.

TARDY MAN SAUNTERS INTO WORK

October 14, 2005
Auburn, CA

Kevin Brown, pictured in the photo above in the parking lot of Igloo Insurance Company, reportedly sauntered into work yesterday... LATE! As several Igloo employees witnessed, Brown was not in the seat of his desk harbored in the womb of his cubicle at 8 a.m. like the rest of the staff. Rather, the 29 year-old Auburn native was still to be seen.

According to Pamela Knott, a rather odd woman with a very odd scent, who has a perfect vantage from the front desk at Igloo, Brown did not show up until well after 8:17. "He didn't show up til no 8:17 or further," kersplained Knott.

When the devil-may-care worker did arrive, he was wearing sunglasses and according to some of his fellow employees, strolled to his workstation. However, his supervisor, Bill Higgs, upgraded the severity of Brown's casual walking style to a "saunter."

"He sauntered through here all casual and really looking to burn me up," Higgs shouts loudly. "With those queer sunglasses. We don't need no rock stars with their queer ways pulling down the moral of our workers."

While others state the Brown's walking style had very little panache at all and that he really just seemed kind of hangover, the controversial insurance worker remains on a 2-day unpaid suspension.

We didn't try to reach Brown for comment.

DESPITE GREAT MIX TAPE, LOCAL GIRL PREFERS "JUST TO BE FRIENDS"

October 15, 2005

Evansville, IN

Katie Conrad was faced with an awkward situation last Tuesday when longtime friend Matt Jones gave her a mix tape with strong overtones.

"Matt and I have been best friends since we we were like 7 years old. I never even considered taking our relationship to the 'next level' . I guess Matt has some other ideas of what he wants, but I'm just not ready to do that yet."

When Katie first got the tape from Matt she didn't think anything of it.

"Matt's really into music and he makes me tapes from time to time of stuff that he thinks that I would be into. They are usually pretty cool with stuff like Coldplay or Matchbox 20 on it. This one was just so, well, different."

Matt's intention became evident with the first track, "Never Say Never" by Romeo Void where the chorus of the song repeats "I might like you better if we slept together". The next track was "Lets Spend the Night Together" and track three was "The Thong Song".

"After the third song, I just knew what Matt was trying to tell me. He's so shy, you know. I really feel sorry that the only way he can express these feeling for me is through this mix tape. He should have felt like he could open up and tell me anything."

Regardless of the way Matt said it, the answer is a resounding "no".

"I think maybe we need to spend some time apart until his hormones calm down a bit. Hopefully in a few months he will see that this is the best decision."

NEIGHBOR'S "GREAT WALL" NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE

Madison, WI
Ocotober 13, 2005

Arthur Janksis kept his word that he was going to build a "Great Wall" but neighbors insist that its really not that great.

"Its kind of dinky," says Barbara Uluhg. "It's not at all what I had in mind when he warned us he was going to do it."

Last summer, Janksis got fed up with his fellow neighbors and set out to make his own version of the Chinese Wall.

"It was the damn dogs that got to me," he said. "All day long, tearing up my garden, frightening the birds, and peeing on my bushes. I had it. Well, one day all of them sons a bitches were outside for the 4th of July parade and I let them know that the next time one of their dogs came in my yard there would be hell to pay! Wouldn't you know it not 15 minutes after I got back that damn Uluhg dog was in my backyard eating up my tomatoes. I grabbed the dog and went right back there and told them I was going to make the biggest wall they had ever seen. Big as the Great God Damn Wall of China!"

Janksis has been working on the wall ever since with materials from his back yard. Turns out making a Great Wall is more expensive that he thought.

"Well, I'm on a fixed income so I had to make do with what I gots. But I think I did a damn fine job, anyway."

Despite all of his best efforts, his neighbors are less than impressed.

"Its got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard of anyone doing in my life," said one neighbor. "In fact, the only thing that wall keeps out are the mice. Oh well, as long as it makes him happy."

Janksis claims that he can now sleep in peace knowing that he proved his point.

"I know that I got the last laugh on those bastards. Look at that marvel out there. Its a god damned thing of beauty. I wonder if they can see this one from space too."

PARENTS BLAME 80's ROCK MUSIC FOR SON'S MULLET

Chicago, IL
October 12, 2005

Adam Goldberg was an ideal son. He always did his homework on time, he went to bed when he was told to, and he always kept his hair presentable. Then one day Adam heard "Rock 98 The Beat" and the sounds that came out of the speakers changed his life.

"I had never even heard of Journey, let alone REO Speedwagon or Rick Springfield. I heard them and I just couldn't stop myself from rockin'." Goldberg said.

Almost overnight, Goldberg changed, his parents claim.

"He was such a good boy," said his mother Janice Goldberg. "He always looked like a good boy and he always acted like one. Then one day I go to his room and he's up there dancing to Bob Seger. I figured it was just a phase, but it seems that this is who are son is now. "

Goldberg has stopped cutting the back of his hair to grow the hairstyle known as a "mullet" which was the popular cut of his idols.

"Have you see guys like Rick Springield up on stage and all of the girls are screaming at him? Well, they all have mullets. Loverboy? Mullets. Eddie Money? Mullets. Kansas? Mullets. I want to be just like them and this is how its going to start." claims Adam pointing to his locks.

"I really wish he would cut it," his mother continues. "I have tried everything like crying, begging, offering him money, nothing seems to work. "

Janice even tried to get a celebrity spokesperson to help out.

"A friend of mine at the office used to know his mother so I put in a call. Well next thing you know, Billy Ray Cyrus is at my door ready to try and talk my son out of his hairstyle."

Billy Ray Cyrus was once mocked for his embarrassing long Mullet which became known as the "achey breaky mistakey". After he cut it, he found himself with an acting gig and finally able to meet women.

"Look, its tempting to grow a mullet," Cyrus claims. "I know, I had the best, or maybe worst, mullet ever to grace the stage. Oh, it looks soooo appealing. 'Hey, I can just put it in a ponytail and tuck it down my shirt and suddenly I look conservative'. Well, I tell you what, that does not work one bit. I was virgin until I was 32 years old. 32 years old! All because of that damn mullet."

Billy Ray's efforts fell on deaf ears, however, since Adam was too young to even know who he was.

"Yeah, some guy from PAX TV tried to get me to cut it. It was really an awkward situation, so I told him I would think about it. FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS! I then ran upstairs and rocked out to "Wheel in the Sky". Man I love that song."

Now all the Goldbergs can do is distance themselves from their son until maybe he sees the light. They have gone so far as to tell friends that he has been shipped off to military camp or that he died in a freak boating accident. Anything but say that kid with the mullet is their son.

"IT WAS LIKE A NON-STOP ORGY"

BEA ARTHUR COMES CLEAN ON GOLDEN GIRLS HEYDAY

Los Angeles, CA
October 11, 2005

They were the vision of squeaky-clean America in its retirement age, 4 senior citizen women living it up in aging Florida. On screen, all was apple pie and family-friendly hijinx. However, once the cameras stopped rolling, it was a completely different world.

"You could get whatever you want," explains Bea Arthur of the show. "You would go backstage and there would be drugs, liquor, prostitutes, you name it. It's unbelievable to think about it now, but those were different times."

The shows producers did all they could to keep their talent satisfied.

"We knew we had a big hit on our hands," explains one anonymous NBC Executive. "We did whatever we needed to do to keep those girls happy. Need a little pick-me-up after a late night, Bea? Here you go. Need another man to satisfy you? Here you go, Estelle. It sounds wild, but those girls were like rock stars."

It's not always the young actors who are known for partying. In fact it was the oldest cast member of the Golden Girls that was known as the wildest.

Estelle Getty, seen here at Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, would push herself to the limits both on and off screen.

"Estelle would do it all," explained the NBC Exec. "She would be backstage with 3 or 4 prostitutes - both men and women - living it up until dawn. She could drink anybody under the table and I swear that woman was never satisfied sexually. I know. We tried everything, and I mean everything, but she always wanted more."

"You can't see it on screen," explain Bea, "but, that's because they cut around it as much as possible. If they zoomed in you would see nothing but bloodshot eyes. "

Partying until dawn. Wild orgies fueled by drugs, alcohol, and the adrenaline of being a tv star started to wear down the cast and crew.

"We were really phoning it for those last couple of years," Explains Betty White also a castmember. "There were so many times that I couldn't barely even speak my lines because I was so high. All I could think about was getting back to the orgy that was going on backstage. It really effected my performance, but looking back on it I wouldn't change a thing."

It seems all of the girls have little regrets about their wild and crazy pasts. "Hey, we were old and stupid, but we had a lot of fun," Bea explains. "I can now die knowing that I did really do it all."

POOR SMOKING BEAVERS

Eugene, Oregon
October 11, 2005

According to a recent report published in the current issue of The American Journal of Forrest Animal Medicine, a large number of low-income beavers that smoke have been unable to overcome their nicotine addiction.

The report also said that cigarette smokers in the beaver community are getting younger. "It's cool to smoke," remarked a dirt-poor adolescent beaver we talked to in Eugene, Oregon. "All the beavers are doing it, even my parents smoke. It takes the edge off, you know."

Though recent reports note that the overall smoking population amongst forest animals is decreasing, that is not true for certain for the shit-house poor beavers. The populations of beavers that work the dams, for instance, were 33% less likely to quit smoking as the white-collar beavers, who sit in their ivory tower and judge all the other beavers.

"When people report that forest animal smokers are decreasing, a huge disparity is missed," said a bear. "Most of the research focuses on larger, less rodent-like forest animals and not in the lowest of lowest economic status, the dirty dam beaver."

Smoking has been link to lung cancer, heart attack, chronic pelt diseases, stroke, and many other cancers. It can also cause forest fires.

EDDIE MONEY FACES BANKRUPTCY

Money, seen here with his lawyer Tony Sommona entering the Rhode Island state court, is penniless. After spending a good deal of money honoring the Carney profession in Havasu (see The Independent 10/7/05) and losing a large legal battle over the "Two Tickets to Paradise", Eddie Money is now facing the future of a regular 9 to 5 job.

"I just wanted to be an entertainer," Said Money. "Some of these acts, man, they get out there and pretend to be too good for their audience. I never was. I connected, man. From the Ohio State Fair to the Springfield Apple Festival, I played them all and I freakin' connected! Now that's all going to be over because of her."

"Her" is Samantha Sneedly of Dearborn, Nebraska who recently won a landmark case against the aging rocker. In 2004 Eddie Money was playing the Nebraska Corn Festival in Omaha where Sneedly made her way to the front row right under the singer. During his anthemic "Two Tickets to Paradise", Money produced 2 tickets from his back pocket and handed them down to Sneedly.

"I have never in my life been so happy. Not after the birth of any of my kids have I felt as elated as I did that very moment."

Sneedly, 19, seen here with the tickets, took the meaning literally.

"He said 'I got 2 tickets to paradise. Back your bags let's leave tonight'. Imagine how I felt when he never showed back up to take me to my paradise. It broke my heart. Maybe you can do that in California, but out here in Nebraska we take things a little more seriously.

Judge Lawrence Smalls, agreed with her and awarded an unprecedented $250,000 judgment against the singer for failure to pay a debt promised, or something like that.

Now, Money is faced with getting a 9 to 5 job or closing the Carney Hall of Fame in Havasu that he has worked his whole life to complete.

"These gigs I do don't pay no $250,000, you know what I'm saying? I can't go on the road and pay that bill. So Mr. Entertainer, Eddie Money, is hanging up his guitar and going to work. I have to do it to save the museum."

Money is not sure yet what he is qualified to do but he thinks he will find something soon. He has to.

"The Carneys need me, man. There's just no other way around it. God knows this and will point me in the right direction."

LUMBERJACK GIVES UP TRADE AFTER HEARING TREE WEEP

Portland, OR
October 7, 2005

Patrick O’Brien has given up his lifelong profession of tree-chopping because of a bizarre incident that has turned him from tree-cutter to tree-hugger. Just last June, O’Brien was chopping down an oak tree when he heard it start to cry.

“It was the damndest thing I have ever heard in my life,” explains O’Brien. “I was just doing my thing, you know, cutting down the tree, like I have been doing all my life. Well, all the sudden about 3 chops into it I hear this little murmur….kinda like a child sobbing. Well, I stopped and looked around and didn’t see anything so I swung my axe again. Right as it hit the tree I heard this really loud wail. It sounded just like someone screaming and crying in pain.”

The cries, it turned out were coming not from someone, O’Brien believes they were coming from the tree.

“Well, I hit the tree one more time and the scream was so loud that I dropped my axe on the ground. I admit, it scared the jeepers out of me. Then I got really close to that tree and I put my ear up to it, on my honor I swear I could hear it crying in there. That’s when I realized, this tree has feelings and I have been hitting it with an axe! Well, I got right up to that tree and put my arms around it and started whispering to it. I told it I wouldn’t hurt it no more. Well, that got it to be quiet.”

O’Brien stayed with the tree for the next 3 hours waiting to hear if it would start crying again. After he was certain that it was fine, he got back in his truck and headed home.

“I didn’t tell nobody but my wife for 3 weeks. I figured if I went around telling people about it they’d throw me in the looney bin. But, after a while I had to come clean with my buddies since I hadn’t been working and all. How am I supposed to go back out there and cut down more trees knowing I’m hurting them? I don’t think that’s a very Christian thing to do.”

O’Brien instead went to work for a landscaping firm where instead of cutting down trees every day he plants them.

“This is a lot more gratifying. All day long I get to give these trees new homes. Sure, some people think I’m a little strange for talking to them, but I haven’t had one die on my yet. I know that they are listening.”

MONEY HONORS CARNIES IN HAVASU

Lake Havasu, Arizona
October 7, 2005

Eddie Money, rocker whose hit includes "Two Tickets to Paradise," and probably several other songs available in various K-TEL collections, has become the financial force behind the building of the Carnies Hall of Fame, located on the outskirts of Lake Havasu, Arizona.

The Carnies Hall of Fame will include such oddities as Lobster Boy, the Bearded Lady, the Contortionist, Anna Nicole Smith and Jimmie Walker. Tributes to cotton candy, Grain Belt beer, and half-smoked cigarettes, as well as, the world-largest outhouse will make this a hot tourist trap for the thousands of tasteless spring breakers that arrive to squirt in the Havasu waters every year.

"Just wanted to give something back to the people who have supported me all these years," said Money. "Hope I can maybe add more midgets to the Hall of Fame in due time, but for now, we just want to get the tent up and running."

The Carnies Hall of Fame is set to open on Elvis' birthday 2006.

GIRLS NAMED "CRYSTAL" MORE LIKELY TO POLE DANCE

Atlantic City, NJ
October 6, 2005

After a 3 month investigation, The Independent News has found some girls are destined to become strippers....because of their names. Do you have a daughter named Crystal? Well, you better get her some high heel shoes for her next birthday so she can start learning how to dance in them since there is a high chance she will become an erotic dancer.



As the chart shows, 78% of the girls named Crystal end up in the pole-dancing business while only 4% of Beatrice's do. Naming your girl Jasmine or Tina will also almost guarantee that you will have to avoid any future visits to the local "Girls Ranch" or you might have to face the awkward situation of tipping your own daughter.

Scientist and sociologists have long suspected a connection between certain names and the adult service industry, but no one figured the numbers would be so dramatic.

"Frankly, I am really worried," claimed a university professor who asked to remain anonymous. "These numbers speak volumes. I just hope that my daughter turns out to be one of the 22% who don't follow this route. How would I explain it her grandparents? Here I am, an educated professor, I should have seen the connection - why did I ever name her Crystal?"

Others haven't taken the news lightly either. Tina Yohan of Pasadena, CA founder of A.T.A.S. (All Tina's Aren't Strippers), is defensive of her 45% moral minority. "It's just not fair. Look at me, I am a straight-A student, I have never been grounded, I love Jesus. But a bunch of other Tina's have gone and ruined it for the rest of us. Do you know how many phone calls I get a night from perverts just because my name is in the phone book? Look, just because I'm a Tina, doesn't mean I will come to your house for a 'private dance'!!" She exclaimed.

Regardless, the facts are in, and most Tina's are strippers. Almost all Crystal's are strippers. And nobody wants to see Beatrice in pasties. Let this be a lesson to all of you expecting parents out there, be sure to think twice before you name your kid, that name is more important than you think.

HAMBURGER WINS BEAUTY PAGEANT

Berlin, Germany

October 6, 2005

It was a controversial win, but for the second year in a row a hamburger took top honors in Germany's greatest beauty pageant, the Miss Berlin Smells So Good Beauty Competition.

The pageant judges chose a hamburger among their group of ten pageant favorites, which included the exotic favorite paella.

"I will take it a day at a time," said the hamburger when asked how she would handle the recognition and day-to-day responsibilities of her new title. "It was my father who said that I would win, and I dedicate my victory to him," the delicious hunk of meat added.

Hamburger is the first representative in this pageant that will be seen live before nearly 3 billion people. She also has the unprecedented honor of being selected by the top experts in the in the fast food business to land in the semi-finals for Miss World Smells So Good 2006.

"I AM BIGFOOT!"

Santa Monica, CA
October 5, 2005

In a shocking turn of events that has set the scientific community astir, the popular film actor, Burt Reynolds has publicly admitted that he is indeed, Bigfoot.

"Well, its kind of a long story. Not one that I am really ready to get into, but, I can tell you that I am Bigfoot. Yeti. You know....a giant monkey-thing. " Said the formerly hirsute actor.

"Well, my parents shaved me down when they found me, " he continued, "they used some sort of tonic to keep the hair from growing back. Unfortunately it left me permanently bald."

Reynolds was found scurrying in the woods of the Pacific Northwest when his parents came across him. Scared for thier lives they ran too their cars where Mrs. Reynolds maternal instinct took over.

"Mom always told me that they found me out there and were scared to bejesus of me. But they saw that I was just some scared kid walking around not huring nobody. Hell, have you ever heard of a Yeti starting any fights? No! We are a peaceful bunch. Mom eventually got out of her car and got me to come over by waving a turkey drumstick in the air. Dad clubbed me across the head, threw me in the car, and the rest is history."

History indeed. Reynolds went on to become one of Hollywood's leading men starring in critical and commercial hits such as "Smokey and the Bandit" and "Smokey and the Bandit 2". Mr. Reyonlds revelation raises more questions than answers according to scientists. "How many more are out there?" wondered one USC Scientist. "And if there are more, can we make them into movie stars?"

Only time will tell, and only the Independent News will keep you up to date.

WHORE FINDS JESUS IN ABSINTHE

Guanajuato, Mexico
October 5, 2005

"Jesus (hey-zeus) es la luz," explains Gabriela Maria del Carazon. Loosely translated it means: Jesus is the luz.

Carazon, long-time Methamphetamine user and local prostitute, discovered as she embarked on a long night of drinking Absinthe, that the murky green liqueur had a distinct image floating in its hallucinatory yummy goodness. It was the image of Christ.

Absinthe is green liqueur having a bitter anise or licorice flavor and a high alcohol content, prepared from absinthe and other herbs, and now prohibited in many countries because of its toxicity; it tastes like mint mouthwash and gets you fucked up, trust me!

When asked how she thinks it got there she responded, "Yo no say." Loosely translated, "Yo don't know," or "I'm not telling you, gringo."

The "Jesus in the Prostitute's Absinthe" Exhibit can be seen October 1-15 at the Guanajuato Art Fair.

PHOTOS PROVE PRES PACT WITH DARK LORD

Washington, D.C.
October 5, 2005

Newly released photos from the White House archives prove once and for all Nixon’s secret alliance with Satan himself.

“We all knew what was going on, we were just to scared to say anything. I mean, it’s the Prince of Darkness himself. Do you realize what he could do to me just for admitting this?” said a long time aide that would speak only on the condition of anonymity.

Sally, not her real name, went on to explain the meetings. “Well, we always knew when, um, well, Mr. Satan was coming over. Dick always got really nervous, really excitable. I heard from someone that he had made a deal with, well, Satan back in the Sixties. I don’t think Dick quite knew what he was getting into.”

The photos were found hidden in the archive two years ago and were suppressed from the media due to their sensitive content. However, after a long and contentious court battle, you are finally able to see the photos yourself because we believe that its more important for America to see the truth.

Sadly, Sally was struck down by a bolt of lightning on her way home from this interview. Oddly, there was not a cloud in the sky.