LOCAL FAT KID TIRED OF BEING GOALIE

Boston, MA
March 14, 2006

Local lardo, Milton Schmails, had grown tired of always getting picked for the gloryless positions of sports. Repeatedly picked as the right fielder or left tackle he decided hockey would be a place where he could find glory as a sports figure. However, after receiving only a passing glance from the coach during tryouts, he was told the only position for him was goalie.

"It really sucks," exclaimed the brickhouse puckstopper in between cupcakes. "I mean, I try to be a good athelete. I eat well and I get at least 12 hours of sleep every night. I'm just big boned is all, and I should get to play any position I want. "

What really irkes Schmails, besides the rising price of cookie dough, is knowing he will never have the feeling of making the winning shot.

"I have the heart and the spirit of a champion," he mumbled between bites. "All of my coaches have been too blind to see that. I am a winner, but they won't let me prove it because they know I would just be proving them wrong."

Ice Devil's coach Bill Smitherton disagrees.

"That little tub of crap! Schmails doesn't get enough attention from the Basking Robbins people so he came crying to you ? Well boo-freaking-hoo, for that damned orca. He's lucky I even let him play goalie anymore what with his constantly putting chocolate milk in his water bottle. Yep, that's what I said. I have never seen anything like it in my life. He just sits there at the goal slurping away at his Hershey's. Lucky he's such a fatty that you have to be a sharp shooter to find a way to get the puck around him."

Until Coach Smitherton changes his mind or until Schmails drops about 200 pounds, the goal box will continue to be filled with Milton's hefty shadow. The Ice Devils are currently 45-1 and take on the Polar Thunders this Saturday night.