UNBREAKING NEWS: NOTHING HAPPENS

For the entire month of December The Independent News followed closely as nothing happened. As we waited for news to break, occasionally throwing heavy shit like anvils, cement blocks and various hefty whatnot to try to break it ourselves, we found the News to be impenetrable, unyielding, secretive and stubborn. Ben took a jackhammer to the motherfucker, still nothing. I reasoned with the News for countless hours stitching together a variety of half-baked psychological tactics to lure the News out of its proverbial shell. The News did not budge.

Finding ourselves in a deadlock standstill of an arrested stalemate, we sought help. I asked my dad, "Hey dad, what's new?" "Nothing, son," was his chilling response. Ben tried some weird Morse code thing. That didn't help either (we couldn't really decipher... um, we just didn't know what we were doing). As we found ourselves at this puzzling juncture we decided we needed to pull out all stops, go out of our way, lean over backwards, make a special effort, take special pains to bring our readers the News. Ben borrowed money from his wife to purchase a newspaper. Our foolproof plan would resolve our predicament and bring the sphinx/whore News to its bloody knees. Much to our surprise our plan did not work. We purchased a paper sure enough, but when we unfolded it to read, we were struck by an unnerving sight... the page, but for the header, was blank.

As 2006 rolled in, some stuff finally happened, so now were going to write about that when we get around to it. Our readers, whom we sort of appreciate, deserve nothing less.