POLICE ON ALERT FOR "GIANT MARSHMALLOW MAN"Columbus, OH
October 31, 2005
Police have closed down every major intersection in the greater Columbus area in anticipation of the "Giant Marshmallow Man". Captain Bill Brazky got the call at 8:05am this morning detailing the threat.
"Well the caller was very cryptic but we deemed this to be an authentic threat," said Brasky. "At about 8:05 a young male called in and said 'I tried to think of nothing, but the image of marshmallows kept entering my head. It's all my fault, I am so sorry. The giant marshmallow man is coming for Columbus, cancel all the schools, I repeat, cancel all the schools. If you don't the children will be eaten by the giant marshmallow man'. We are not sure what the first part means, but if this ends up saving just one child, that boy will be known as a hero."
Reporters couldn't help but point out the similarities to this threat and the similar occurrence in the popular movie Ghostbusters. Furthermore the insistence that school be cancelled might be evidence of a prank in effort to not have to go to class. Police commissioner John Markus has other thoughts.
"I have never seen Ghostbusters, it goes against my religion," Markus stated. "I will not be forced to watch a PG movie dealing with demonic themes regardless of how close it supposedly is to a case. And to assume that this is a prank is exactly what our enemies want us to do. They want to catch us off guard, and as soon as they do, they strike. Our fine men and women of the Columbus police will stay out on the streets until this threat is deemed over."
The roadblocks and police presence has crippled all of the area businesses already stinging from last week's hurricane evacuation drill.
"I can't afford many more days like this," says local business owner Patty Boombulatie. "If we keep on shutting down the city for these threats, we are all going to go bankrupt. If that happens, I'm afraid that the terrorists will win. I say we move forward and keep everything open, show them we're not afraid of their marshmallow men, hurricane, or killer bees. That's what makes Columbus the best city in the world, its can-do attitude in face of terrorism.
Columbus will remain shut down until further orders come from the Mayor's office. A curfew has been also set for 4pm which will effectively cancel Halloween.
October 31, 2005
Police have closed down every major intersection in the greater Columbus area in anticipation of the "Giant Marshmallow Man". Captain Bill Brazky got the call at 8:05am this morning detailing the threat.
"Well the caller was very cryptic but we deemed this to be an authentic threat," said Brasky. "At about 8:05 a young male called in and said 'I tried to think of nothing, but the image of marshmallows kept entering my head. It's all my fault, I am so sorry. The giant marshmallow man is coming for Columbus, cancel all the schools, I repeat, cancel all the schools. If you don't the children will be eaten by the giant marshmallow man'. We are not sure what the first part means, but if this ends up saving just one child, that boy will be known as a hero."
Reporters couldn't help but point out the similarities to this threat and the similar occurrence in the popular movie Ghostbusters. Furthermore the insistence that school be cancelled might be evidence of a prank in effort to not have to go to class. Police commissioner John Markus has other thoughts.
"I have never seen Ghostbusters, it goes against my religion," Markus stated. "I will not be forced to watch a PG movie dealing with demonic themes regardless of how close it supposedly is to a case. And to assume that this is a prank is exactly what our enemies want us to do. They want to catch us off guard, and as soon as they do, they strike. Our fine men and women of the Columbus police will stay out on the streets until this threat is deemed over."
The roadblocks and police presence has crippled all of the area businesses already stinging from last week's hurricane evacuation drill.
"I can't afford many more days like this," says local business owner Patty Boombulatie. "If we keep on shutting down the city for these threats, we are all going to go bankrupt. If that happens, I'm afraid that the terrorists will win. I say we move forward and keep everything open, show them we're not afraid of their marshmallow men, hurricane, or killer bees. That's what makes Columbus the best city in the world, its can-do attitude in face of terrorism.
Columbus will remain shut down until further orders come from the Mayor's office. A curfew has been also set for 4pm which will effectively cancel Halloween.
posted by The Independent at 12:11 PM
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