SCIENTISTS DISCOVER EARTH'S ANUS

Yuma, Mexico
October 25, 2005

American scientists Dr. Stan Jarvis and Dr. Karl Mingus have finally found our planet's butthole.

"We knew it was around here somewhere," said Dr. Jarvis. "It was really only a matter of time before we found it. All of our calculations were pointing to Earth's poo-hole being either in Detroit or in Mexico somewhere. I guess we should have known it would be 'south of the border', I mean you can seriously smell it from 200 miles away."

That distinctive "Mexico smell" turns out not to be the scent of poverty and churros, it seems the locals can actually blame that stench on the planets digestion. The locals are seeing this discovery as a mixed blessing.

"Yeah, its great to be able to tell people that its really not our fault that this place smells like crap," says a local chocolate-town resident. "But, its hard to take pride in an ass-town. Its really not going to be a huge tourist destination now, except for maybe some weirdo fetish freaks."

Regardless, the discovery is very exciting for scientists who can't wait to probe the very depths of Earth's colon.

"Who knows what we will find," said Dr. Jarvis. "There could be anything down there. Maybe we will find a lost civilization of dung-dwellers or maybe a new species based on corn. This is the dawn of discovery and I can barely contain myself. I can't wait to dig in and see what we find."

The Independent News is sending down celebrity correspondant, Richard Simmons to further cover this butt story. Simmons says he was born for the job, whatever that means, so we will keep you posted as developments arise from Earth's anus.