CELEBRITY RETARD TO GET FIRST BRAIN TRANSPLANT

Beverly Hills, CA
October 20, 2005

The parents of Paris Hilton announced today that their mentally retarded daughter is going to get the first "brain transplant".

"Its a lifelong dream come true," says her mother. "She's always been a happy retard, its just that, well, she's kind of an embarrassing retard. Hopefully the new brain will help her make better decisions."

Dr. Joseph Shwartz at the UCLA Medical Center will be the chief surgeon for the procedure.

"I never dreamed that this would be possible," he said. "I have been in medicine for 47 years and I never would have thought that we would come this far. Look at that poor girl. She's such a pitiful retard, it just breaks my heart to see it. I know now that God put me on this earth for a reason, and its to give Paris Hilton a real brain."

The surgery will be 6 hours long and is one of the riskiest ones ever performed. The chance of survival is 50-50 and there is no guarantee that the new brain will work. Regardless, the Hiltons say that they will play those odds and leave it in God's hands.

"I just know that this is for the best," her mother continued. "If something terrible happens on that operating table, I know I can live with myself because we tried to make her better. We tried, dammit, we tried."

The surgery is being paid for by her popular "One Night in Paris" video. No word yet if Fox will be televising the surgery.