Tuesday, November 06, 2007

NEW NEWS PENDING BEN GETTING OFF HIS LAZY ASS

Ben needs to write something... the lazy fuck.

- The Independent News Editor(s)

Thursday, May 04, 2006


BRITNEY SPEARS PREGNANT AGAIN

It appears the chain-smoking pop-tart has a nack for dropping her drawers. Spears arrived at her OB/GYN office in Beverly Hills earlier this week claiming "I think something's wrong with my pee-hole, ya'll." Something was wrong indeed. After a thorough examination, it was discovered that Spears is once again pregnant with the spawn of ultra-white "rapper" Kevin Federline.

When asked to comment, K-Fed announced that he was pleased with the news stating, "yo, I like . . . stuff . . bitches." K-Fed, never one to dissapoint his fans, continued his statement by rapping that "I got mad skills and my ho ain't on no pills, so I put her in the bed, drop my baby on it's head."

Kevin Federline, whose first album is expected to drop as soon as he finds a worthy label, is the father of two children from a previous relationship and is now on his second child with wife Britney Spears. Thus proving what scientists have believed since the recent birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby girl, Suri, there really is an inverse correlation between a man's sperm count and his intelligence.

Britney is also pleased with the news stating that she will now have one baby to hold the steering wheel while the other "works the pedals."

U.S. MILITARY TO INVADE ALASKA

In a surpise move this morning, the White House has released plans to invade oil-rich Alaska. When asked why the President would want to invade the nation's 49th state, G.W. responded "because I'm the decider. I decide what's best for the American people and right now, what's best for them is to invade Alaska."

When reminded that the citizens of Alaska are, in fact, Americans, the President responded, "that's not what my gut tells me. They sure don't look like Texans." Touche Mr. President.

The Invasion, planned for June 14th a.k.a. Flag day, will mark the first time that an American President has declared war on one of its own states since the Civil War. With the United States military stretched thin in Iraq and Afganistan, the President has developed a strategy to increase the U.S. military population, "we're gonna train undocumented illegal aliens. I call it a two-fer. You know, two birds....one stone. Only this time instead of birds, we're gonna use undocumented citizens and instead of a stone, we're gonna use Napalm. Or maybe the Mexicans are the stones....anyway, it's gonna be awesome."

As for the nearly 200,000 caribou that inhabit Alaska, the President plans to set up a "camp" to house the survivors of the invasion. The caribou will be blindfolded and transported to an undisclosed location in Arizona.

In a press conference earlier this morning, White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, advised members of the press that the President was unavailable for questions as he was in route to Alaska. The Independent News sent photographer Seamus O'Toole to Alaska where he captured a photo of the President standing proudly on top of a dead caribou covered in what appears to be crude oil and holding a sign that read "Mission Accomplished."

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


SHANGRI-LA NOT AT ALL WHAT SEEKER EXPECTED

Venice, CA
April 5, 2006

58 year old Tim "Pippy" Kirkpatrick finally found Shangri-La last month after a 35 year search. What he found, however, was not at all what he had expected. The supposed utopia first described in the fictional book, "Lost Horizon", has long escaped the grasp of hippies who believe the place actually exists. Pippy, who still exudes an enormous amount of energy for a 58 year old burnout, made it his life goal to discover the elusive paradise.

"I was at the beach with a bunch of friends and we got to talking about our idea of the perfect place to live. Somebody, I think it was Bootsy, started talking about Shangri-La. We were all just floored, man. Imagine Heaven here on earth actually exists. I just had to find it," Pippy explained.

His 35 year journey has taken him to Egypt, India, Vermont, and the greater Topanga Canyon area. He has slept in dumpsters, graveyards, doghouses, and in Jerry Garcia's garage. He kept getting leads but they would always turn up empty or he would forget what he was doing. Just when he was about to give up he finally found the clue he had been waiting for.

"I woke up on a park bench up in Santa Monica and there it was. I had prayed and mediated all night for a sign, anything at all that would point me in the right direction. It was a desperate plea to the universe, I told it I was giving up unless I finally got a reason to keep on. I woke up and it was staring me in the face. Shangri-La is on Main Street in Santa Monica."

Following the directions provided to him in great detail by the bench advertisement, Pippy hiked the 14 blocks to Main Street where what he found confused him.

"Shangri-La is just a store, man," he explained.

The store, open for the past 2 months, prides itself on its selection of candles, costume jewelry, and knick-knacks. Shop owner, Kim Davis, tried to explain to Pippy that this was not the "real" Shangri-La, but he would not have it. The universe gave him the sign and this was it. After three hours of arguing with him about the reality of utopia and about not letting him live in her shop, Pippy reluctantly returned to the beach spot in Venice he left 35 years earlier.

"Yeah, I found Shangri-La and it has a lovely assortment of jewelry, but it's not Heaven on Earth. For one, Heaven doesn't play Enya, and two, Heaven should smell like roses not incense. But it does exist, just like I have been telling people for all these years, even if it's not exactly like I have described it. It's there man, about 2 miles north of right where you are standing. That's all I can say 'cause you have to find it for yourself. Here's to your safe journey, may the universe always point you in the right direction."

Pippy is now a content man telling his story to all that will listen on the Venice boardwalk. His tales have made him quite the local celebrity and his pilgrimage is now being considered for a major motion picture starring Sean Connery.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Goth Tires to Curse The Independent News, Fails

Cleveland, OH
March 21, 2006

Despite the 47 candles, 7 voodoo dolls, and 1 ancient scroll, Tiffany Peters aka "Black Rose" has been unable to get a curse to transcend her 1 bedroom apartment. The target of her wrath, this very blog, has yet to feel any repercussion of her chants, and in fact is feeling more clever than ever (and we are rhyming better).

The beef started when The Independent reported on Star Warrior and focused on how despite the 90' s being over, he was still dressing goth. Unbeknownst to this blog, there are literally dozens out there that are still stuck in the harmless yet pathetic rebellious phase. Similar to the Japanese soldiers stuck on that island still fighting World War 2, nobody has told gotten through to them that the goth-wear has gone the way of the poodle skirt.

Tiffany or "Black Rose", took offense to our reporting and is out to prove that goth's are more than basement dwelling outcasts , they are force to be reckoned with. However she is quickly finding out the curses and dragons don't exist and if she doesn't stop she is going to get kicked out of her apartment.

"She's got one more shot, then she's out of here," exclaimed her landlord Clark Klinger. "I run a clean shop here and I don't want no more of that crazy woman and her stupid witch-crap. She needs to get it together, take down all of those stupid Tori Amos posters and find herself a man. If not, she's going to be here forever, and I can't handle it, even if she gets me a good discount at Hot Topic."

Tiffany, er, "Black Rose" vows to find a way to curse this blog even if it comes at the cost of moving back into her parents basement. She is sure she possesses special powers and she is going to prove that by killing this important source of informative reporting. We say bring it on Tiffany, you can't stop th

Friday, March 17, 2006

KEVIN FINALLY GETS LAID

Springfield, MO
March 17, 2006

Kevin Fartherton finally had "intimate relations" after 34 years of virginity. Realizing that what he lacked in "game" he made up for in brains, he made himself a girlfriend out of spare parts from 3 washing machines, a freezer, and a vacuum. The result is "Sandy", his metallic girlfriend, whom after 3 months of dating, Kevin finally rounded home plate with.

"Now I know what all the fuss is about," exclaimed an ecstatic Kevin. "It was just so magical, so romantic. It was special, you know? We went out that night to the arcade and had some pizza. About halfway through the date, I knew tonight was the night. It was so....listen to me,I sound like a schoolkid.....I'm just so happy."

Kevin's parents have mixed feelings about the courting and have not yet found out about the "encounter".

"Well, I am just happy he's hanging out with someone, or something," said his mother upstairs in the kitchen. "But making your own girlfriend just isn't the way we did it when I was a kid. We usually met boys in school or at church, we never made our boyfriends or girlfriends. But I guess he's happy. And hey, at least she's changing him for the better. I used to never be able to get him to clean up and just last night I heard the vacuum running. I guess it could be worse."

Psychologists and bloggers agree that the relationship isn't a healthy one and will probably end in heartbreak. As well, most agree that this does not really count as "the first time" since its technically with a machine. As blogger Annie Matrix says 'if that were the case, my first time would have been with my electric toothbrush'.

Regardless, Kevin feels that he is now an experienced man and is looking forward to a long relationship with his new girlfriend.

"Sally is just the best thing that ever happened to me," he exclaimed. "I know that we will be together for a long time. I just need to treat her right and she will treat me the same back, if you know what I mean."

Yes we do, Kevin. Yes we do.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

LOCAL FAT KID TIRED OF BEING GOALIE

Boston, MA
March 14, 2006

Local lardo, Milton Schmails, had grown tired of always getting picked for the gloryless positions of sports. Repeatedly picked as the right fielder or left tackle he decided hockey would be a place where he could find glory as a sports figure. However, after receiving only a passing glance from the coach during tryouts, he was told the only position for him was goalie.

"It really sucks," exclaimed the brickhouse puckstopper in between cupcakes. "I mean, I try to be a good athelete. I eat well and I get at least 12 hours of sleep every night. I'm just big boned is all, and I should get to play any position I want. "

What really irkes Schmails, besides the rising price of cookie dough, is knowing he will never have the feeling of making the winning shot.

"I have the heart and the spirit of a champion," he mumbled between bites. "All of my coaches have been too blind to see that. I am a winner, but they won't let me prove it because they know I would just be proving them wrong."

Ice Devil's coach Bill Smitherton disagrees.

"That little tub of crap! Schmails doesn't get enough attention from the Basking Robbins people so he came crying to you ? Well boo-freaking-hoo, for that damned orca. He's lucky I even let him play goalie anymore what with his constantly putting chocolate milk in his water bottle. Yep, that's what I said. I have never seen anything like it in my life. He just sits there at the goal slurping away at his Hershey's. Lucky he's such a fatty that you have to be a sharp shooter to find a way to get the puck around him."

Until Coach Smitherton changes his mind or until Schmails drops about 200 pounds, the goal box will continue to be filled with Milton's hefty shadow. The Ice Devils are currently 45-1 and take on the Polar Thunders this Saturday night.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

GENERAL MILLS BOMBSHELL!!
CHOCULA CLAIMS "FRANKENBERRY QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL"

New York City
January 12, 2006

World famous cereal vampire, Count Chocula, shocked the world this morning by outing fellow morning-meal monster, Frankenberry on the Howard Stern show. Living in relative silence for the past 7 years, Chocula decided to come welcome Stern to his new satellite radio show. Claiming he was in the "twilight of his years", the Count told Stern he wanted to set the record straight before retiring to the great coffin in the sky. Here is the transcript of the bombshell:

Count: "Frankenberry. He was a good friend, although not a great one. The Count, you see, is a bit old fashioned, I was a little uncomfortable around him, you know what I mean?"

Stern: "No, I don't know what you mean. Are you trying to tell us that Frankenberry was..."

Count: "A homo! Queer as a 3 dollar bill. There! I've said it. I don't understand what the big shocker is, look at him! He's pink for crying out loud."

Chocula went on to recount the many times Frankenberry would spend hours on end at the gay night clubs in West Hollywood, partying until dawn.

Count: "It really began to affect our work. I'm a pro, you know? I show up to the photo or commercial shoot and I get it done. I remember one time we were making a commercial with the three of us, Frank, Boo Berry, and myself and we couldn't finish it because Frank was so hopped up on Ecstacy, he kept giggling. It was just embarrassing."

Chocula then went on to describe watching his good friend "Boo Berry" take the downward spiral of drugs and hookers.

"You could see it in Boo's eyes from the very first commercial. All you had to do was listen to the guy and tell he was high on something. I don't think I ever saw Boo when he wasn't on some sort of dope. At first it was a lot of fun, he was light-hearted and great to be around. Then he started getting on harder stuff and things started to take a turn. One night he called me about a a "situation" he had gotten himself into involving some cocaine, 3 hookers, and a mule. I just told him right then and there that I would bail him out but after that, I never wanted to hear from him again. We lost Boo two weeks later. It's still really hard to talk about."

Chocula claims he is working on a memoir of his days on the cereal circuit and plans to publish it in the next couple of years. He claims that the stories he told are just the tip of the iceberg and if so, the book will surely be a bestseller. The Independent News will keep you posted on the release date as soon as we know.