Goth Tires to Curse The Independent News, Fails

Cleveland, OH
March 21, 2006

Despite the 47 candles, 7 voodoo dolls, and 1 ancient scroll, Tiffany Peters aka "Black Rose" has been unable to get a curse to transcend her 1 bedroom apartment. The target of her wrath, this very blog, has yet to feel any repercussion of her chants, and in fact is feeling more clever than ever (and we are rhyming better).

The beef started when The Independent reported on Star Warrior and focused on how despite the 90' s being over, he was still dressing goth. Unbeknownst to this blog, there are literally dozens out there that are still stuck in the harmless yet pathetic rebellious phase. Similar to the Japanese soldiers stuck on that island still fighting World War 2, nobody has told gotten through to them that the goth-wear has gone the way of the poodle skirt.

Tiffany or "Black Rose", took offense to our reporting and is out to prove that goth's are more than basement dwelling outcasts , they are force to be reckoned with. However she is quickly finding out the curses and dragons don't exist and if she doesn't stop she is going to get kicked out of her apartment.

"She's got one more shot, then she's out of here," exclaimed her landlord Clark Klinger. "I run a clean shop here and I don't want no more of that crazy woman and her stupid witch-crap. She needs to get it together, take down all of those stupid Tori Amos posters and find herself a man. If not, she's going to be here forever, and I can't handle it, even if she gets me a good discount at Hot Topic."

Tiffany, er, "Black Rose" vows to find a way to curse this blog even if it comes at the cost of moving back into her parents basement. She is sure she possesses special powers and she is going to prove that by killing this important source of informative reporting. We say bring it on Tiffany, you can't stop th

KEVIN FINALLY GETS LAID

Springfield, MO
March 17, 2006

Kevin Fartherton finally had "intimate relations" after 34 years of virginity. Realizing that what he lacked in "game" he made up for in brains, he made himself a girlfriend out of spare parts from 3 washing machines, a freezer, and a vacuum. The result is "Sandy", his metallic girlfriend, whom after 3 months of dating, Kevin finally rounded home plate with.

"Now I know what all the fuss is about," exclaimed an ecstatic Kevin. "It was just so magical, so romantic. It was special, you know? We went out that night to the arcade and had some pizza. About halfway through the date, I knew tonight was the night. It was so....listen to me,I sound like a schoolkid.....I'm just so happy."

Kevin's parents have mixed feelings about the courting and have not yet found out about the "encounter".

"Well, I am just happy he's hanging out with someone, or something," said his mother upstairs in the kitchen. "But making your own girlfriend just isn't the way we did it when I was a kid. We usually met boys in school or at church, we never made our boyfriends or girlfriends. But I guess he's happy. And hey, at least she's changing him for the better. I used to never be able to get him to clean up and just last night I heard the vacuum running. I guess it could be worse."

Psychologists and bloggers agree that the relationship isn't a healthy one and will probably end in heartbreak. As well, most agree that this does not really count as "the first time" since its technically with a machine. As blogger Annie Matrix says 'if that were the case, my first time would have been with my electric toothbrush'.

Regardless, Kevin feels that he is now an experienced man and is looking forward to a long relationship with his new girlfriend.

"Sally is just the best thing that ever happened to me," he exclaimed. "I know that we will be together for a long time. I just need to treat her right and she will treat me the same back, if you know what I mean."

Yes we do, Kevin. Yes we do.

LOCAL FAT KID TIRED OF BEING GOALIE

Boston, MA
March 14, 2006

Local lardo, Milton Schmails, had grown tired of always getting picked for the gloryless positions of sports. Repeatedly picked as the right fielder or left tackle he decided hockey would be a place where he could find glory as a sports figure. However, after receiving only a passing glance from the coach during tryouts, he was told the only position for him was goalie.

"It really sucks," exclaimed the brickhouse puckstopper in between cupcakes. "I mean, I try to be a good athelete. I eat well and I get at least 12 hours of sleep every night. I'm just big boned is all, and I should get to play any position I want. "

What really irkes Schmails, besides the rising price of cookie dough, is knowing he will never have the feeling of making the winning shot.

"I have the heart and the spirit of a champion," he mumbled between bites. "All of my coaches have been too blind to see that. I am a winner, but they won't let me prove it because they know I would just be proving them wrong."

Ice Devil's coach Bill Smitherton disagrees.

"That little tub of crap! Schmails doesn't get enough attention from the Basking Robbins people so he came crying to you ? Well boo-freaking-hoo, for that damned orca. He's lucky I even let him play goalie anymore what with his constantly putting chocolate milk in his water bottle. Yep, that's what I said. I have never seen anything like it in my life. He just sits there at the goal slurping away at his Hershey's. Lucky he's such a fatty that you have to be a sharp shooter to find a way to get the puck around him."

Until Coach Smitherton changes his mind or until Schmails drops about 200 pounds, the goal box will continue to be filled with Milton's hefty shadow. The Ice Devils are currently 45-1 and take on the Polar Thunders this Saturday night.