KEVIN FINALLY GETS LAID

Springfield, MO
March 17, 2006

Kevin Fartherton finally had "intimate relations" after 34 years of virginity. Realizing that what he lacked in "game" he made up for in brains, he made himself a girlfriend out of spare parts from 3 washing machines, a freezer, and a vacuum. The result is "Sandy", his metallic girlfriend, whom after 3 months of dating, Kevin finally rounded home plate with.

"Now I know what all the fuss is about," exclaimed an ecstatic Kevin. "It was just so magical, so romantic. It was special, you know? We went out that night to the arcade and had some pizza. About halfway through the date, I knew tonight was the night. It was so....listen to me,I sound like a schoolkid.....I'm just so happy."

Kevin's parents have mixed feelings about the courting and have not yet found out about the "encounter".

"Well, I am just happy he's hanging out with someone, or something," said his mother upstairs in the kitchen. "But making your own girlfriend just isn't the way we did it when I was a kid. We usually met boys in school or at church, we never made our boyfriends or girlfriends. But I guess he's happy. And hey, at least she's changing him for the better. I used to never be able to get him to clean up and just last night I heard the vacuum running. I guess it could be worse."

Psychologists and bloggers agree that the relationship isn't a healthy one and will probably end in heartbreak. As well, most agree that this does not really count as "the first time" since its technically with a machine. As blogger Annie Matrix says 'if that were the case, my first time would have been with my electric toothbrush'.

Regardless, Kevin feels that he is now an experienced man and is looking forward to a long relationship with his new girlfriend.

"Sally is just the best thing that ever happened to me," he exclaimed. "I know that we will be together for a long time. I just need to treat her right and she will treat me the same back, if you know what I mean."

Yes we do, Kevin. Yes we do.