LOCAL HOME INFESTED WITH SMURFS

Nashville, TN
October 25, 2005

Mike Snell is faced with demolishing his 2500 square foot home in the exclusive Emerald Cove subdivision because of the worst Smurf infestation anybody has ever seen. Many Gen X'rs grew up watching these seemingly harmless creatures as they lived in a seeming utopia. Except for the menacing Gargamel, all always seemed well with the peaceful Smurf. According to Snell, those shows got it all wrong.

"Smurfs are from the devil," says the frustrated homeowner. "They looks so nice and maybe even fun, right? I tell you what, there is nothing good about Smurfs. Once you have a couple in your house, forget about it. They hump like rabbits and spit out baby smurfs by the dozens. They tear up all the furniture trying to build those stupid mushroom houses. They are a menace. And worst of all, you can't get rid of them."

According to all of the exterminators we called, none were qualified to handle a Smurf infestation. Most said even if they were, it was something that weren't comfortable with doing since they grew up watching them on tv. This leaves Snell with taking matters into his own hands.

"I couldn't kill them at first, but now its just like stepping on cockroaches. Problem is that they have grown wise to me and are starting to rebel. Those little bastards are pretty smart, they have been trying to poison me for at least a week. Every morning I wake up there are some chemicals on my toothbrush or in my cereal. If I don't do something soon, they are going to kill me."

So Snell has been left with the only one option: burn down the house and kill the Smurfs along with it.

"I can't think of anything else to do except burn them all. Oh, I will be out there with my marshmallows, believe you me. There will never be a better sight in my life than watching those sons a bitches burn."

Snell plans on burning down his house this Saturday night. Members of PETA have already announced they will be there to protest the killings.