POOR SMOKING BEAVERS

Eugene, Oregon
October 11, 2005

According to a recent report published in the current issue of The American Journal of Forrest Animal Medicine, a large number of low-income beavers that smoke have been unable to overcome their nicotine addiction.

The report also said that cigarette smokers in the beaver community are getting younger. "It's cool to smoke," remarked a dirt-poor adolescent beaver we talked to in Eugene, Oregon. "All the beavers are doing it, even my parents smoke. It takes the edge off, you know."

Though recent reports note that the overall smoking population amongst forest animals is decreasing, that is not true for certain for the shit-house poor beavers. The populations of beavers that work the dams, for instance, were 33% less likely to quit smoking as the white-collar beavers, who sit in their ivory tower and judge all the other beavers.

"When people report that forest animal smokers are decreasing, a huge disparity is missed," said a bear. "Most of the research focuses on larger, less rodent-like forest animals and not in the lowest of lowest economic status, the dirty dam beaver."

Smoking has been link to lung cancer, heart attack, chronic pelt diseases, stroke, and many other cancers. It can also cause forest fires.