GIRLS NAMED "CRYSTAL" MORE LIKELY TO POLE DANCE

Atlantic City, NJ
October 6, 2005

After a 3 month investigation, The Independent News has found some girls are destined to become strippers....because of their names. Do you have a daughter named Crystal? Well, you better get her some high heel shoes for her next birthday so she can start learning how to dance in them since there is a high chance she will become an erotic dancer.



As the chart shows, 78% of the girls named Crystal end up in the pole-dancing business while only 4% of Beatrice's do. Naming your girl Jasmine or Tina will also almost guarantee that you will have to avoid any future visits to the local "Girls Ranch" or you might have to face the awkward situation of tipping your own daughter.

Scientist and sociologists have long suspected a connection between certain names and the adult service industry, but no one figured the numbers would be so dramatic.

"Frankly, I am really worried," claimed a university professor who asked to remain anonymous. "These numbers speak volumes. I just hope that my daughter turns out to be one of the 22% who don't follow this route. How would I explain it her grandparents? Here I am, an educated professor, I should have seen the connection - why did I ever name her Crystal?"

Others haven't taken the news lightly either. Tina Yohan of Pasadena, CA founder of A.T.A.S. (All Tina's Aren't Strippers), is defensive of her 45% moral minority. "It's just not fair. Look at me, I am a straight-A student, I have never been grounded, I love Jesus. But a bunch of other Tina's have gone and ruined it for the rest of us. Do you know how many phone calls I get a night from perverts just because my name is in the phone book? Look, just because I'm a Tina, doesn't mean I will come to your house for a 'private dance'!!" She exclaimed.

Regardless, the facts are in, and most Tina's are strippers. Almost all Crystal's are strippers. And nobody wants to see Beatrice in pasties. Let this be a lesson to all of you expecting parents out there, be sure to think twice before you name your kid, that name is more important than you think.