LINGUISTS BREAK GRAFFITI CODE

Los Angeles, CA
November 22, 2005

UCLA professors held a press conference yesterday to announce the stunning news that they have finally deciphered the elusive "graffiti code".

The code has been used for years in most large cities, showing up on street signs, trash cans, even trees of the poorer, smellier parts of town. Long thought to be the basic scribbles of the illiterate, graffiti tagging was largely ignored until about two years ago when Dr. Maxwell Shlitz had a thought.

"I figured that maybe we weren't putting enough currency into tagging," exclaimed the noted linguist. "It just seemed that there was just so much of it that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the ramblings of the crack addicted. My partner, Dr Heinaman, and myself set out to see if there wasn't more to the story. Turns out there was more than we ever realized."

Much to the surprise of researchers, they found tagging is really a basic form of coded communication for the inner city youths. The message, however, is anything but menacing.

"We kept coming up with the same translation over and over again. At first we thought there must be some mistake, but our calculations were in fact accurate. We found that almost all graffiti tags are personal ads for gay men. Shocker, huh?"

Sociologists have long suspected that the gang culture is steeped in homosexuality with its obsession with working out and "rumbling" with other men. The crotch grabbing and baggy pants pulled down were all too obvious signs that are now verified by the cracking of the graffiti code.

"We are just the linguists, we really don't know what implications this will have in the long term, but I think this will affect 50 Cents newest album sales," theorized Dr. Heinaman.

No word has come out of the gang leadership on the news.

"CAMEL CASH" NOW OFFICIAL STATE CURRENCY OF KENTUCKY

November 14, 2005
Lexington, KY

Kentucky State Legislators passed the "C-Note Law" yesterday, officially making Camel Cash the only currency accepted for all transactions in the state. The new law made most of the residents of Kentucky millionaires overnight. Unfortunately most of them don't read, so word is leaking out slowly of the untold fortunes that exist in coffee cans across the state.

"Our people are known for three things," exclaimed politician John Hammons, "deep-fried foods, teenage pregnancy, and smoking Camels. As of 12:15 this morning, one of those is finally going to start paying off. Hell, I am now worth somewhere around $400,000. I don't know how I'm going to spend it all, but I'm probably going to start but I'll be damned if I don't start with finally getting the Eddie Money box set. I have been saving up for years to get that."

Not all are as joyous about the new money. The Federal Reserve for one is baffled by the law and has no idea how it will actually work.

"This officially makes Kentucky the most retarded state of the union," exclaimed Fed Reserve official Ted Muneybahgs. "This just won't work no matter how hard they try. I just can't believe they think this is viable solution to their economic problems. Its so stupid we are going to let them go ahead with it for a while until it collapses. Maybe they will learn their lesson and maybe it will show West Virginia that there Marlboro Miles bill won't work either."

Regardless, for now it really pays to smoke and residents such as Bernice Clanford are puffing their way to the bank.

"This is freaking awesome," Clanford coughed. "I always told them people that one day my Camel Cash stash was gonna be worth something. They's always like 'forget Bernice, just trade them in for the windbreaker while you can', but I kept on saving 'em. My brother traded his all in for a pool table last month, stupid bastard, now he's broke and I'm a freaking millionaire! Lets see your foodstamps take you to Sizzler, Clarence!"

Executives from Camel parent company, RJ Reynolds, couldn't be reached for comment but extra delivery trucks of the smokes were expected to arrive this afternoon.

MOUNTAIN DEW TRIES OUT NEW AD SLOGAN TO REACH MORE NERDS

Atlanta, GA
November 11, 2005

Mountain Dew marketing executives announced today that they are rebranding their kind-of-popular soft drink, Mountain Dew, to focus more on their core audience. The "Mountain Dew: Because Women Won't Talk To You" campaign is set to launch next month.

"We did our research and it turns out that only computer nerds really like Mountain Dew," exclaimed Dew director Sandy Kompler. "We found the majority of Dew is consumed by young men between 11pm and 3am in front of a computer on Friday and Saturday nights. This used to be known as "beer time" in the soft drink world but it turns out that we were all wrong."

Reserach showed that Mountain Dew's high sugar content kept computer geeks up all night so they could continue looking for online porn and playing games until the morning hours without crashing. These benders have been known to last as long as 48 hours with only Dew and Twinkies to sustain the marathon geek-outs.

"We have been stuck in a rut for a while with Dew," says company president Bob Blamanah. "We had a small market share and were never able to get above that threshold. We tried everything from sponsoring concerts to being a key part of the X Games. I guess these people just don't get out much socially and especially when atheltics are involved. I think this new slogan will really hit at the hearts of our core audience and will affect them in a way that they had not felt since Return of the King."

The campaign slogan narrowly edged out "Mountain Dew: It's what Yoda Drinks" and "Mounatin Dew: Because you have never reached 1st base with a woman or in sports". Both still might be used in selective markets. The campaign will primarily focus on online advertising and pizza box marketing.

Shares for Mountain Dew were up 38% on the announcement.

COREY FELDMAN AND COREY HAIM REUNITE TO START LAWN BUSINESS

Sherman Oaks, CA
November 9, 2005

The dozen or so attendees of the "Lost Boys Definitive Collection" autograph signing session at Bill's Pawn and Video were mostly there to pawn jewelry, not witness history in the making. But a historic moment is what they got when Corey Haim and Corey Feldman announced to those listening that they are getting back together to start a lawn and pool business.

"Corey and I have been apart for too long," Haim said. "Then we get back together to do this signing for our fans and, well, the energy is still there. The brotherhood that can only come from the history we have together. We ruled the world as teen idols together, now we are going to rule the Valley as the lawn cutting kings."

The idea to renew the oh-so-profitable partnership of "The Coreys" was a dream that Feldman has had for quite some time.

"You know every day I am out there mowing lawns just dreaming of how it used to be. I mean the chicks, the money, the drugs, it was all such a wonderful time. I have been wanting that back so bad that it hurts inside. Next thing I know, Corey and I are thrown back together for this thing here and its just like magic. I asked him what he's been up to and amazingly he told me that he has been cleaning pools. Every week I have a client ask me if I do that, but I'm too busy edging the lawns, you know? So I ask him, 'hey wanna come clean pools with me?' and he says yes. Corey and Corey are back and we are going to rock your lawns like a hurricane!"

Corey and Corey Lawn and Pool Service is officially in business as of this week with clients all over the San Fernando Valley. Since neither Corey currently has a working phone they are getting all of their business from people seeing them from the side of the road.

"Well we are the only white guys in the Valley that are doing this, so I guess people are going to stare anyway. But when people see that its us, we get all kinds of offers. Mostly from old gay men, but sometimes we get the offer to do a lawn job here or pool job there. We aren't rolling in cash just yet, but I think its on its way."

Regardless of their current fortunes, Corey and Corey are back together inspiring and shaping the world like they use to.

LOCAL GIRL ALREADY REGRETS GETTING STUPID TATTOO

November 8, 2005
Santa Barbara, CA

All Melissa Davis wanted in life was to fit in and be cool like her sorority sisters. She slept with all the right guys and drank at all the right bars, but still she couldn't break into the upper echelon of the "super-trendy girls". So last weekend she took the final step, one that will now haunt her forever and will make her the butt of so many jokes to come; she got a lower back tattoo.

"This has to be the dumbest thing I have ever done," Davis sobbed. "I don't even know what the hell it is or if it means something. I just pointed to the picture on the wall and said 'give me that one'. Halfway through the procedure I started to realize what was going on and how this was a huge mistake, but I just couldn't stop him. I just wanted to be cool."

The lower back tattoo, or "Tramp Stamp" as it has become known because of the low standards the bearer generally possesses, has become incredibly popular with girls dying to be, well, popular. Although its a permanent procedure, the girls seem all too wiling to shell out for it hoping that it will still be cool years to come. The fad has been a boom for local tattoo shops which traditionally catered only to bikers, hippies, and Raiders fans.

"I just put in a swimming pool at my house, that's how well I'm doing," local tattoo artist Dawg Crowley told us. "Guys who used to come in here, make up most of my business, well they aren't exactly swimming in cash. Now these little girls come in here with their dad's visa cards, and they are never declined. I know its just a phase, hell I have seen them all come and go, as a matter of fact I am still sitting on 120 tongue piercing I can't get rid of, but I am riding this fad all way to the bank this time."

Tattoo shops aren't the only businesses booming. For every girl that gets a tramp stamp there's one going to the plastic surgeon to have theirs removed. Its what some economists call "get and regret cycle".

"I just put in a swimming pool for my guest house in Italy, that's how well I'm doing" said Dr. Johan Schwartz, a local plastic surgeon. "These girls have always been my bread and butter, its always something with them. One day they need a nose job, the next they need new boobs, and now they have to have their tramp stamps removed. Do you know how many procedures it takes to get rid one of those? At least 12 at about $1000 a pop. I have a line out the door of them coming in, it's a beautiful time to be in this business."

Melissa is one of those now on the waiting list to have her 2 day old tattoo removed.

"I was with some guy last night and I made him turn the lights all out before we got undressed, that's how embarrassed I am by it. Also, I figure when my dad gets the credit card bill, it will be a lot easier to explain when both the tattoo and the removal charges are on the same month. I think he will be proud of me for this decision. No, not the first one, but the one where I am having it removed. Yeah, that one. Dad will be really proud of that part."

Mr. Davis, a tax attorney in Orange County, could not be reached for comment.

CONDI HAS SEEN IT, AND ITS NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE

Washington, D.C.
November 4, 2005

The latest guessing game to hit the Beltway has hit a fever pitch as Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice stunned Congress by admitting she had inadvertently seen a top officials "member" but refused to name whom.

"I have my money on Rove," says one White House staffer. "Some people thing it could be Bush but I suspect he might be packing, you know what I mean. Maybe it was Cheney, but seriously, just looking at Karl tells me he has little to hide."

Condi admitted in a Congressional hearing that she had walked in on this "top official" while he was changing and got a glimpse what she called "a tired, shriveled little thing that explains so much about the person". She stopped short on naming the short-swordsman but she assured the Senate that he was "about as high up as it gets". Democratic Senators are planning a closed session later this afternoon to plan special hearings.

"This is of the utmost importance," said one Senator who wished to remain anonymous. "The American public deserves to know who's incredibly small wiener that is. Hiding something like that could be detrimental to our future. If the terrorists found about this, they could use it against us. This person needs to be outed and should immediately be asked to step down."

In a poll most Americans agree that they are uncomfortable with a person with such a small thingy running our country. 88% of our respondents said this short-hung leader should immediately step down or should be impeached. 12% were laughing to hard to answer clearly.

"I'm not comfortable with it at all," claimed Beatrice Bernince of Sioux Falls. "My husband has a little willy and it affects every decision he makes. He is just downright fiesty because of it, its like he's always got something to prove. I already have one person like this trying to run my life, I don't need one trying to run my country, too."

The Senate will convene next week to decide what to do about this politician and his shortcomings. The hearings are expected to last through the winter.

OMAHA LOCAL NAMED "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"

Omaha, NE
Nov 3, 2005

As expected by most experts, Brad Peters of Omaha has been named People Magazines "Sexiest Man Alive" by an independent panel of directors, models, and stylists. The magazine traditionally hands out this honor to celebrities but when they opened it up to the common folk, it was widely expected that Peters would win.

"Just look at him, he's a work of art," said celebrity judge Twiggy. "That hair, oh my god, I would love to run my fingers through that. My oh my....I'm sorry, he just gets me in a special place, you know? He really is the complete package. He has style and looks. He's what every woman dreams of waking up to."

Peters has already been offered a modeling contract, acting jobs, and is planning on starting his own line of jean shorts with cell phone holders.

"I am so happy that the rest of the world finally gets to see my beauty," Brad stated. "I am really like a fine work of art, I am not meant to be seen by only a few. The whole world should have the pleasure of seeing me and now they have that chance. Thank you People magazine. I thank you and I know I speak for everyone when I say the whole world thanks you as well."

The results will be published in next weeks issue which hits the newsstands on Friday.

DESPITE THE 90's BEING OVER, LOCAL TEEN STILL DRESSING GOTH

Portland, OR
Nov 1, 2005

Samuel Rodgers, or "Shadowchild" as he prefers to be called, woke up this morning and donned his black wardrobe, put on his eyeliner, and powdered his face, and despite the fact that its the year 2005, put on The Cure.

"Its pretty retarded," says classmate Jacob Richardson. "He walks the hallways everyday with that stupid frown on his face bobbing his head up and down to his Walkman. Yeah, I said Walkman. He's so behind the times that he is still listening to his crap music on cassettes. He is just begging to get his ass kicked."

The Goth movement, popular in the late 80's and early 90's, was born out of overweight white kids who thought they were vampires. Once they realized that their endless pursuit of immortality was about as likely to happen as losing their virginity, the Goth's suddenly disappeared back into the basements that came from. Unfortunately, Shadowchild never got that memo.

"The world is all black to me," Shadowchild said in his slow, brooding cadence. "Nobody understands me, but one day I will come back as the Star Warrior and they will all worship me. Every one of them! It has been written in the ancient scrolls that I found on the internet. It said that 'the child shall come from the shadow and he shall be the Star Warrior'. Everyone will be sorry when I finally learn my powers."

Shadowchild is no longer allowed to practice his powers at home due to last summer's accident which left the cat hairless and a smell that lasted for days. However, those powers might not be necessary since his older brother has a plan that might just make Shadowchild come into the 21st century.

"I'm getting Sammy a hooker," older brother Alex told us in confidence. "I am getting a little tired of trying to defend him. I mean, you have seen how stupid he looks. Nobody dresses like that anymore for a reason. I know that once he loses his virginity this will all change. He will want to start getting it more often and will realize that girls like guys that don't look like girls. I guarantee you by this time next year, we will all look back at this and laugh."

For Sam's sake, we all hope so.