GENERAL MILLS BOMBSHELL!!
CHOCULA CLAIMS "FRANKENBERRY QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL"

New York City
January 12, 2006

World famous cereal vampire, Count Chocula, shocked the world this morning by outing fellow morning-meal monster, Frankenberry on the Howard Stern show. Living in relative silence for the past 7 years, Chocula decided to come welcome Stern to his new satellite radio show. Claiming he was in the "twilight of his years", the Count told Stern he wanted to set the record straight before retiring to the great coffin in the sky. Here is the transcript of the bombshell:

Count: "Frankenberry. He was a good friend, although not a great one. The Count, you see, is a bit old fashioned, I was a little uncomfortable around him, you know what I mean?"

Stern: "No, I don't know what you mean. Are you trying to tell us that Frankenberry was..."

Count: "A homo! Queer as a 3 dollar bill. There! I've said it. I don't understand what the big shocker is, look at him! He's pink for crying out loud."

Chocula went on to recount the many times Frankenberry would spend hours on end at the gay night clubs in West Hollywood, partying until dawn.

Count: "It really began to affect our work. I'm a pro, you know? I show up to the photo or commercial shoot and I get it done. I remember one time we were making a commercial with the three of us, Frank, Boo Berry, and myself and we couldn't finish it because Frank was so hopped up on Ecstacy, he kept giggling. It was just embarrassing."

Chocula then went on to describe watching his good friend "Boo Berry" take the downward spiral of drugs and hookers.

"You could see it in Boo's eyes from the very first commercial. All you had to do was listen to the guy and tell he was high on something. I don't think I ever saw Boo when he wasn't on some sort of dope. At first it was a lot of fun, he was light-hearted and great to be around. Then he started getting on harder stuff and things started to take a turn. One night he called me about a a "situation" he had gotten himself into involving some cocaine, 3 hookers, and a mule. I just told him right then and there that I would bail him out but after that, I never wanted to hear from him again. We lost Boo two weeks later. It's still really hard to talk about."

Chocula claims he is working on a memoir of his days on the cereal circuit and plans to publish it in the next couple of years. He claims that the stories he told are just the tip of the iceberg and if so, the book will surely be a bestseller. The Independent News will keep you posted on the release date as soon as we know.

CHUCK NORRIS SUSPECTED IN SUDDEN
AL QAEDA SURRENDER

January 10, 2006
Afghanistan

The world celebrates today after what's left of the terrorist organization, Al Qaeda, unconditionally surrendered to U.S. troops this morning. News reporters were on hand to witness the stunning display as 20 or so terrorist soldiers walked in a single file line, weeping like little girls, begging to be taken into custody. The Al Qaeda soldiers were battered, bruised, and apparently had been molested repeatedly by what was described as a "snakeskin boot". Even more mysterious, they willingly gave up all of their intelligence, pinpointing to U.S. soldiers the exact location of their hidden bases.

"I have never in my life seen an enemy give up so suddenly," Sgt. John Jakinstein of the 12th platoon exclaimed. "We have been hunting these guys down for years and they never show any signs of giving up. All the sudden, here they all come begging us to protect them. I don't know what it was, but whatever made them do it must have been the scariest thing ever created."

That scary thing just might be America's own, Walker Texas Ranger - Chuck Norris. Top secret documents leaked to this blog show the Pentagon had a secret plan codenamed "Operation Roundhouse", that centered on dropping Chuck Norris into the middle of Afghanistan with only a canteen and a can of beans. According to the documents, this secret operation supposedly was to start yesterday. Ssome that have begun inspecting the secret bases claim there are signs of Norris everywhere.

"Its just absolute carnage," exclaimed one anonymous soldier. "We were halfway expecting to be ambushed when we walked into the base. You know, maybe that was their plan all along, give up some bogus information and trap us. But, we were so wrong. There's nobody left at all. All we could find in the caves were turbans and teeth. It's pretty gross. There musta been hundreds of them, now they are all gone. There's only one person on earth who could have done that kind of damage, and I think we all know who it was."

The Pentagon is keeping mum for the moment about Chuck Norris and his possible involvement with the operation, only publicly stating that the war on terror was won by all Americans. There is no word if Osama Bin Laden was involved in the cave massacre, troops claim it will take weeks to sort out the carnage.

UNBREAKING NEWS: NOTHING HAPPENS

For the entire month of December The Independent News followed closely as nothing happened. As we waited for news to break, occasionally throwing heavy shit like anvils, cement blocks and various hefty whatnot to try to break it ourselves, we found the News to be impenetrable, unyielding, secretive and stubborn. Ben took a jackhammer to the motherfucker, still nothing. I reasoned with the News for countless hours stitching together a variety of half-baked psychological tactics to lure the News out of its proverbial shell. The News did not budge.

Finding ourselves in a deadlock standstill of an arrested stalemate, we sought help. I asked my dad, "Hey dad, what's new?" "Nothing, son," was his chilling response. Ben tried some weird Morse code thing. That didn't help either (we couldn't really decipher... um, we just didn't know what we were doing). As we found ourselves at this puzzling juncture we decided we needed to pull out all stops, go out of our way, lean over backwards, make a special effort, take special pains to bring our readers the News. Ben borrowed money from his wife to purchase a newspaper. Our foolproof plan would resolve our predicament and bring the sphinx/whore News to its bloody knees. Much to our surprise our plan did not work. We purchased a paper sure enough, but when we unfolded it to read, we were struck by an unnerving sight... the page, but for the header, was blank.

As 2006 rolled in, some stuff finally happened, so now were going to write about that when we get around to it. Our readers, whom we sort of appreciate, deserve nothing less.